Journal Entry (Sunday October 30, 2022)
I have always been more than just a little shy about expressing my opinion. It dawned on me, just this morning as a matter of fact, that the more I write “On” different subjects the less inhibited I feel — at least in terms of the written word. I can’t really explain this. I suppose this might be an attribute of aging, but I think a big part is due to simply the practice of writing. The more I write, the more I search for things to write about. This makes sense to me but it doesn’t completely explain my change of heart. I’m not ready to label this courage. I think the task of writing daily eventually brings you to a point where the inclination to hold back your thoughts and emotions finds fewer barriers.
I started writing four years ago, 2018. I was going through a divorce and I was not feeling terribly confident in myself. My therapist told me to write a bit every day and bring it to our sessions. The writing was emotional crap, how I felt that day, how was I dealing with my thoughts and feelings, who was I. I spent six months writing every day, sometimes a lot, sometimes just a little. None of it was worth sharing. I’m pretty sure when I shared with my therapist, she was bored most of the time. In January of 2019 I retired, the writing gradually took on a different viewpoint. It wasn’t a lot better - as writing goes - but I started writing about what I was doing rather than simply how I was feeling. The shift from internal examination to looking at the world was a departure for the better. I decided I would ride a bicycle across the country in the fall. That decision really was life changing. I had a wonderful time, and I wrote, every day. I actually wrote some pretty good stuff. It was such a wonderful experience (both the ride and the writing) that I plan to do it again next year.
I can’t say for sure that all this is better than when I started, it feels to me like it is. At least I have reached a point where I feel like I have a tiny something to share with others. Whatever courage it takes to do that, I have found enough to begin sharing the words here.